her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
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I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
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we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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