it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The power of my boobs compel you
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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