I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
