The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
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I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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