Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
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The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
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I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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