It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
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There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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