I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
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Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
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I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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