Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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