My Higher Power is John Stamos
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
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I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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