hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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