So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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