by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
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Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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