I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
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No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
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You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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