Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize