I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
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I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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