i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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