My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize