Porn is love you can see.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
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I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
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So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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