I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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