You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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