kristin has been a bad kristin
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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