The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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