I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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