oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
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Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
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Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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