She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
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you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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