If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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