I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize