dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
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I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
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as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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