Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
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Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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