i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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