Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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