you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
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I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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