So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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