I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
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i don't really know how much tequila is too much
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
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Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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