This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
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woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
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Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This toilet bowl is my home.
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