this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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