you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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