You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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