I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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