i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
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I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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