If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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