Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
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Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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