just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
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Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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