and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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