Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My liver is preforming stress tests.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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