Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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