I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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