She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
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How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
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I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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