Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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