fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
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Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
accomplished twins. life is a go
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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